Letting Myself Off the Hook, Act I

06 May 2010 1 Comment

by dawnrey in Academic, Self-care, Work, Writing

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Something I already know just occurred to me again. I love it when that happens (although technically this should be in my Notes to Self since I keep forgetting about it).

It’s the calmest, most comforting thought I could ever have.

I can let myself off the hook.

Sweet. I can relax. I don’t have to be everything. I don’t have to know everything. It’s okay. I’m good just as I am.

Remember this.

Most of the time, I forget all this. I often feel insecure and embarassed because I’m not up on certain things. This could be anything: politics, local news, academic theorists, musicians, pop culture references, math, gardening, dog breeds. Really any topic that someone else covers that I don’t already know.  I have no idea why I demand of myself unilateral knowledge of all possible topics.

I guess it’s because I don’t want to appear stupid. Stoopid. I don’t want people to think I don’t know things, because dammit, I do.

It could be that this all goes back to that pesky Imposter Syndrome – meaning I’ll be found out that I’m really a fraud, that I don’t really know what I’m doing, that I’m not actually smart, but just lucked out with a Ph.D. It just happened, and had nothing to do with me, since I’m clearly not as bright as people think.

Or fear of being embarassed since I should know certain things if I am as “cultured” as someone with a Ph.D. so typically is. What does it mean if I do not know certain information? Certain socially accepted information?

Feminist Sandra Harding calls this information “socially legitimated knowledge.” Knowledge I am expected to possess based on my social class, cultural standing, educational purchase, sexuality, and gender. Women are supposed to be well versed and comfortable in the domestic sphere. Men are great with cars and home repair. A straight woman who lives in a townhouse in Northern Virginia is likely to have a certain type of job and drive a certain car.

Gah, I can see how the more elaborate I make these scenarios, the more likely they are to break down. They can’t sustain the stereotype. Which should be evidence enough to me that much of my expectations around what types of knowledges I should possess are constructed.

Self-constructed.

Sure, these expectations have been reinforced throughout my life by various people who are surprised that I didn’t possess certain types of knowledges. For example, a smart high school friend who is shocked I didn’t know about a recent global political event. A college friend who said he couldn’t believe I didn’t know about that literary theory, since I should already have learned it. These observations are often followed by head-shaking and the admonishment, “I can’t believe you didn’t know that!” The implication is that only a dumb person would miss that. Since you’re educated, you should know this stuff!

Should, should, should. Why are there social expectations around knowledge?

Perhaps more important, why do I have such a rigid sense of what I should know? Sure, there have been external influences, such as those mentioned above, but I really must admit that most of my embarassment around knowing stuff (or not knowing, to be more precise) is internal.

Freedom from shame.

I believe that at the core of my insecurity over alleged lack of knowledge is a deep shame.

Tara Brach explores shame in her Buddhist-inspired book (which I have on CD) Radical Self-Acceptance. She suggests that many of us are walking around every day holding a painful feeling of shame, shame of not being enough. That we’re not rich enough, don’t know enough, aren’t charitable enough. You name it, we’re just not cutting it.

This is such a touchy topic that I believe is at the core of much of my anxiety. I suspect this will have to play out in several acts.

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